Actively Passing

I know:
that she's suffering
she's in constant pain
she wants to let go

I want to tell her to fight
I wish to give her strength
To tell her to hold on
You can make it through this

But I know she can't.

I know:
she'll be in a better place.
she'll no longer be in pain
she'll be with the love of her life again

I know these things to be true
but it doesn't make it easier to know

she's going to die

I promise

I'll be posting a new update soon, it's just been rather hectic lately. (Which probably will be a continuing trend) But everything aside I am hoping to post a new update soon just to get everyone up to date and also to get some writing done.
All I've really had time to do is post a few things in my 'drafts' file from my phone as to things that I'm wanting to talk about.

Also, fun note, I think the word 'soon' just looks very odd. The word just looks like it's spelled wrong to me. I literally looked it up on Google to make sure I had the spelling right. (yes I know that's a little ridiculous, especially considering I could spell that correctly and wasn't sure about soon) 

A week of firsts

Big firsts going on this past week:

Odin smiled for the first time in response to Husband or I (twice in a row even) on Monday night

Loki used her potty chair for the first time Thursday night

Husband had his first few days as a stay-at-home dad (and did awesome)

I got the new experience of pumping at work (not the highlight of new experiences but it was interesting) 

In more domestic news:

Husband has been doing a good job keeping the chaos under control at home while I've been out. Plus I help by having a menu up for dinner so Husband doesn't have to guess what to make. I was also able to make up 4 manicotti  freezer meals, 2 as the recipe says and 2 I made with ground beef included in the mix. So hopefully those will taste good (that's dinner tonight) I also had success with a first in our house, homemade enchiladas they are delicious! It'll even work as a freezer meal so long as I get some freezer pans in the right size. (Now I really want enchiladas, they are just delicious! Even good reheated) 

One Whole Month! (well a little bit extra)

Odin is over a month old! It's quite amazing actually, Husband says it seems like it's been longer than that, but I actually disagree, it feels like no time has gone by at all. Poor tiny boy still fit into his newborn things until a few days ago. Although mostly he wore the newborn zip up pajamas, a) because they're a little easier to get him into than a onesie and pants b) they keep him warm well c) most of the onesies that fit him are short sleeved and if I'm getting cold in a sweater I'd be worried about him being cold in the little short sleeves. Although to be honest, I'm cold when I shouldn't be lately, everyone says it's just my body adjusting to not being pregnant anymore, I think I'm just losing my love for the cold, which I find sad.
It feels good to see he's finally gaining some heft to himself so he's able to wear more than just his newborn jammies. He looks like he's growing up so much in his little onesie pants combo outfits! Oh how fast the time goes.
Odin's also started (mostly) sleeping through most of the night. He will normally go to bed a little before Loki's bath, then sleep till around midnight or 1, and then he wakes up for a feeding, and normally wants to stay away until 2:30 or 3, depending on how awake he's feeling. But all in all, I'm doing okay with this, it just takes me a few minutes to actualy feel human in the mornings when I'm expected to do the whole 'walking talking taking care of a two-year-old thing.' But hey, at least he's sleeping for extended periods of time instead of just like 2 hours at a time!
We're currently looking for a new family doctor, partly because I feel as if we're taking advantage of the system of GraceMed because we have insurance now and also because I grew up going to the same doctor until after I was 21, I would like that for my kids as well. Consistency has always been my friend. Going to make more calls around tomorrow and see if anything looks good. We've gotten lots of suggestions from friends that I need to check out, so hurrah for friends helping me out.

Right now I'm getting all set to go back to work tomorrow, and so I've been pumping more often, not only in preparation to do it more often, but to let Husband have some experience bottle feeding Odin while I'm at home to help if need be. But they are both doing so well I haven't really been needed other than to keep Loki in line.
I am a little anxious as to how pumping at work is going to go. If not for my plans to pump tomorrow before I go in I would already have everything packed up in my little bag and ready to go, as is I've got most of it packed up and ready, or at least all the parts are gathered together for easier packing.

Small Update, more of a medium update actually.

I will be going back to work on Wednesday, although I'm going to try to attend our weekly staff meeting as well. But it has been further re-enforced that I have no idea how to ask people for help when I am feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. (So much so that when I mentioned my inability to ask for help Ber literally started laughing) Husband had to give me a little bit of a lecture about asking people for help because he was starting to worry about my health, especially since I was sick for 6 days straight.

Mom has started not only using essential oils but is now someone who you can purchase them from. (She also makes these awesome little clay pendants for you to put the oils on that you can smell all day long) When she heard how stressed and sick I had been she not only came over to help watch Loki so I could go to the doctor, (and try to get a nap) but she brought some oils with her to try and help me out. Now I'm not sure if it's me believing the oils will work and so therefore being calmer, which helps Odin be calmer and less fussy (he was not a happy baby when I was sick and stressed out) Or if the oils actually work which make me calmer and therefore calm down Odin as well. Either way, it's working and I'm happy about it.
And when Mom starts selling the clay pendants she's been making I'll be putting up information here, because they're pretty cool little necklaces and Mom's been putting a lot of work into them.

Went out to see Mom and Dad today, which Loki always loves, she got to run around outside before the rain started and also got to watch part of "The Incredibles" with her Papa. Us girls played some cards and also made some pendants, which I discovered I am not meant to play with clay, it doesn't like me very much. But it was one of the first days I haven't felt horrible and sick and not wanting to do anything other than sleep, so I quite enjoyed it.

Bad blogger

I don't have much of a post today, I've been feeling sick since Friday and am still getting over it unfortunatly. So I just don't have the energy for a good post right now. Hopefully on Wednesday we'll be back to our regularly scheduled postings.

Doctor Who

So I'm re-watching Doctor Who while I have my month free of streaming Netflix and I have realized something, not only do I miss the 9th Doctor, but the episode 'Dalek' really shows us who the Doctor was for so long.

The first time he sees the dalek he's terrified, and with good reason. It's only after he knows it can't kill him that the Doctor shows his rage and anger at the creature that he bases the death of his entire race on. To me (especially on a second watching) it really shows just how damaged he still is from the war. Trying to get over what he had to just do to save the worlds, destroying everything he had grown up with. It's rather a little heart breaking. 

Ah, the thoughts that come while up at 5am feeling nauseous and nursing an infant. 

Hair fun

So a week ago (probably more) Ber gave me some foam curlers that she didn't use anymore because I had mentioned wanting to find some.
Last night was the first time I actually had time after a shower to put them in. It only took about 20 minutes (which is about 45 min less than it would be to curl my hair plus I don't have to put any hair spray in it this way) I separated my hair into about 4 layers, and put around 4 curlers in each layer working my way from the bottom up. I think the top layer is going to need a few more curlers to keep up with the rest since those are the biggest curlers out of the bunch. I have so much hair that I had to use three different sizes of curlers to get all my hair up.

But here is the results of it being in the curlers all night before I took them out (not the best pictures today, but we had a rough night) 

This is right after all the curlers had come out, before I tried combing through it with my fingers. 

After combing out with my fingers (I think next time I'm going to just leave it alone after taking it out, although using more curlers on the top layer may fix the problem anyways, I guess I'll just have to experiment with it) 

*************************Edit*************************

I didn't add any hairspray to my hair and around 6 this is how much curl I had left

My hair has never been known to hold it's curl well, but this works just fine for me. It stayed well enough for me to style my hair for work and not have to put sticky gunk in my hair (I hate hairspray) 

I would say overall the foam curlers were a big success. 

Crazy weekend

Well Saturday was fairly uneventful, Ber and I hung out some and did a little shopping so I could get some non-maternity work pants. Plus drop by work and say 'hi' to everyone while we were there. I also got hair dye while I was out, in anticipation of the girl's day we had planned for Sunday.

With all the snow and ice girl's day was canceled but Husband and I went over anyways, partially because we still wanted to go over, but a big reason was the fact of we had no heat. Yes, our heater happened to break between Saturday late evening and Sunday early morning. I went ahead and called the emergency maintenance line around 6 am, and they sent someone out before 9 am. The first guy didn't know what was wrong, and said he would be in  contact with one of their other workers who would know more. I liked the second guy who came out (he's the one we normally see when we need any work done so I'm more familiar with him)
So he goes through and works on the heater for over 2 hours and finally takes the motor back up to the office to test it because he believes that it's no longer working, but he needs to double check. Turns out he was right, that it's broken so after calling the company the apartment complex has a contract with but they weren't open, so we wouldn't have heat until they could pick up the part on Monday.
Long story short on the heater (I know, a little late already) The kids and I stayed at D's last night but Husband needed to stay at home due to his allergies, and not feeling 100% comfortable with having people tromp around the house with no one here. They got the part and came over to fix the heater around 9 am, and before they got it all done they had all three maintenance workers here had three or four things go wrong (including blowing one of the fuses and having to go get a new one) All in all it took them until after 2:30 before we had heat again. I'm just glad that D let us stay with her and her husband while we were without heat.

But we had lots of fun! Ber came over on Saturday to help D dye my hair (there's a picture below, it takes almost three full bottles of dye to get all my hair covered.) Ber had to go home to her hubbie for dinner, while Husband stayed until almost nine before he went home where he piled under all the blankets we have (he said it got down as low as 55 degrees that he saw) before falling asleep.
Loki got to sleep in a big kid bed for the first time (she didn't like it very much, I think she likes the familiarity of her crib bars) but she did end up sleeping and then also took a nap the next afternoon. Odin didn't sleep very well last night, but while I had to stay up most of the night not only did I have company but we watched Netflix most of the night. Some Serenity, Doctor Who and then I got introduced to Warehouse 13 (which I'm very much enjoying so far, looking forward to seeing it more when I have time)

The boy's first sleepover


The next morning both boys were sleeping better although as cute as it is, Odin didn't sleep very long after I put him down, which was a little unfortunate I thought.
But when we got home Odin slept almost 4 hours before waking up. I quite enjoyed that time, I was able to make dinner, do laundry -even getting it folded and put away which is always a struggle for me- emptied the dishwasher filled it. Husband put away the leftovers from dinner and I loaded the dishwasher and started it after Loki went to bed.


We had a lot of fun hanging out at D's all day, but it was nice to be home.

Oh! And before I forget, here is the finished product of my hair. It turned out a little more brown than I had planned, but I really like it, and very important Husband really likes the color of my hair as well.
Also a peak at the awesome phone cover Ber got me for Christmas. For those who can't see it very well, it's a TARDIS, and if you don't know what that is, you have my pity. (it's a Doctor Who thing)