Moment of Weakness

Some days it's hard to feel attractive. Most people would think I feel that way mostly because of my weight, and they would be right. It's been pounded into my head that I need to be skinnier, to be healthier, but mostly to be beautiful.
Putting make-up on feels less like 'accentuating my features' and more like 'covering up my flaws' hiding my real face from people because they wouldn't like me on my own merits, I need something to make me more attractive to them.
Every day we put on our 'face' put on our 'armor' to get through the day, to deal with rude bosses, degrading comments and all the rest of the bull crap we deal with on a daily basis. My armor has chinks in it, from childhood teasing, middle school isolation, high school difficulties and just life being a dick. Almost every where I've spent significant time, be it a job or just a hang out where I've become familiar with people I'll get comments of "you would look gorgeous if you just lost 20 lbs or so" and the even more common one "you'd be so pretty if you just wore make up more often"
Maybe if I was more attractive in society's eyes I wouldn't have such trouble making friends, maybe people would like me then, and stay around instead of leaving when they get whatever they wanted from me. At this point in my life, in all the 25 years, the only people that have stayed in my life for more than two years is Husband and my family, I have no lasting friends that I've always been able to count on.

I know I'm throwing a little bit of a pity party but to me, life seems very lonely tonight. But tomorrow, I will get up, I will take care of my little Loki, and Husband and if you see me, you would never know the depths of my sadness from tonight.
We all wear masks, and I fear the day the cracks that have been developing in mine break.

New Goal

Is to write here every night (well night as in after Munchkin goes to bed) Although tonight I can't really think of anything to say. Didn't really do much today, was actually really lazy this morning, and didn't really get anything done till after Husband got home in the evening. But did get my evening checklist almost all done!
I really should go to bed now, as I'm sure Munchkin will be up bright and early, but I"m on the last three chapters of my book, so I'll be going to bed as soon as those are finished....probably.

So it starts...

Not my actual super wife training, that's not till July 1 or so, but D helped me make my very own control journal! (It's a Flylady thing that I'm quite excited about) I'm so excited for Husband to get home so I can show it off to him!
Speaking of Husband, he actually has two days off in a row this week! That's the first in almost 3 weeks now. So tomorrow will probably be a big packing/organizing day. And Wednesday is my Healthy Babies group, which is exciting, we only have group once a month now, so it seems like I never get to see the lovely ladies. I also haven't seen the ladies at Twist for a while, so I may try to make it down there on Thursday to see how everyone is doing and show off my pretty little Munchkin. (I bet she would love that the little ham)
But that is all for me today, and now I am going to take my little bit of free quiet time while Munchkin is sleeping to get on diablo before Husband gets home and play for a bit.

It's HERE!!!

My new computer is here! I'm so excited.
sadly I haven't set it up yet, because in order to do that I would need a power cord for my monitor, and since it was a dumpster dive special, either the cord is in the back of Husband's car, or I'll have to run to Walmart and see if they sell just the power cords, and I'll need to get the mouse out of Husband's trunk as well....but my keyboard is sitting on the desk all ready to be used!
We're moving in just over two weeks, and so my goal right now is to start going through the house doing so major decluttering/packing and minor cleaning. I've started in the entryway, going through the closet and from there I'm heading into the living room. It's amusing to me because most of Husband and I's 'stuff' is books. Other than that all we have are clothes and computer/gaming things. So it's kind of interesting to me how easy packing can be when I really get going on it, the problem is really getting going on it.
But Loki's down for her nap right now (thank the Lord!) and so I'm going to goof off for a little bit because if I start cleaning, the noise will wake her up almost instantly. Which in all honestly is a little annoying if you ask me, everyone says the only time you can get things done is while the kids are napping, well that just doesn't work to well for me most of the time...I remember when I used to be able to do dishes while Loki was asleep, but not anymore. as things stand I'm just very very happy that she's laying down for a nap, she's been having trouble sleeping during the day. I think her poor little teeth are bothering her, still no visual sign of them, but whenever she's having trouble sleeping I see her playing with her gums and chewing a lot, so it's been my best guess so far.
Now I'm just kind of blathering on about things now, and if I continue I won't have a chance to play Diablo 3...which I really would like to do. (and I can't wait to see it on my new compy! It's gonna look so amazing!!!)

Adios!

Superwife training!!

Many people know we are moving at the end of the month (yay!) And because of that move Husband and I are using this transition to implement some new parts to my training. It's all very exciting, especially since my friend D has a bunch of helpful hints that she's telling me to get us going. I'm quite looking forward to making my own house book.

But on the notes about the blog, one of my goals is to try to write everyday, and I have some topics in mind, I just need to make time to get upstairs to the computer to type it out. (it's pretty slow-going to do so on my phone.....like this post would have taken like twice as long, and that's just frustrating sometimes)
So hopefully will see everyone tomorrow!