Some days it's hard to feel attractive. Most people would think I feel that way mostly because of my weight, and they would be right. It's been pounded into my head that I need to be skinnier, to be healthier, but mostly to be beautiful.
Putting make-up on feels less like 'accentuating my features' and more like 'covering up my flaws' hiding my real face from people because they wouldn't like me on my own merits, I need something to make me more attractive to them.
Every day we put on our 'face' put on our 'armor' to get through the day, to deal with rude bosses, degrading comments and all the rest of the bull crap we deal with on a daily basis. My armor has chinks in it, from childhood teasing, middle school isolation, high school difficulties and just life being a dick. Almost every where I've spent significant time, be it a job or just a hang out where I've become familiar with people I'll get comments of "you would look gorgeous if you just lost 20 lbs or so" and the even more common one "you'd be so pretty if you just wore make up more often"
Maybe if I was more attractive in society's eyes I wouldn't have such trouble making friends, maybe people would like me then, and stay around instead of leaving when they get whatever they wanted from me. At this point in my life, in all the 25 years, the only people that have stayed in my life for more than two years is Husband and my family, I have no lasting friends that I've always been able to count on.
I know I'm throwing a little bit of a pity party but to me, life seems very lonely tonight. But tomorrow, I will get up, I will take care of my little Loki, and Husband and if you see me, you would never know the depths of my sadness from tonight.
We all wear masks, and I fear the day the cracks that have been developing in mine break.
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