So long...I know.

I am still out here, just not having much time for fun computer time. I'll be honest, I'd never thought I'd say "I just want off the computer...can I do something else now?" but now that happens.
But, my class is finished next Monday, and I'll be able to working from 8-12 instead of just attending class (which will actually make my work schedule much easier to deal with, much less stressful for Husband having to deal with his work schedule, plus watching Loki while I'm in class and working)

But anyways, I'm forcing myself to have a bedtime, (well, it's 1:30, so that's quite late for most people, but I think it will work just fine for me, especially lately) So I'm going to sign off here and take the next 5 minutes to just goof off before bed.

Night!

Dear Sleep,

I know we don't talk much anymore. In fact, I've kind of been avoiding you. It's not you, it's Minecraft.
You've always been there for me when I needed you especially as a child. even when I didn't especially want to leave my book to spend time with you. Alway patient you are.
But I was just writing to say I'm sorry, I miss you and was wondering if I might be able to see you soon. Tonight maybe?

Waiting hopefully,
Heather

Shaken

I'm not sure what to feel right now, mostly I feel nothing. It's like I know it happened, but it doesn't quite feel like it happened to me. I suppose I'm still in emotional shock at the moment, which is odd, because now I've known for well over 12 hours what happened. It normally doesn't take this long for things to sink in, especially death. Maybe I've been over-exposed? 

Husband was wonderful to me today, after he got home from work he watched Loki for an hour so I could just lay down and rest, and when I got up, realizing what time it was we went to the Saturday night service at Hope. I think that was exactly what I needed. I felt much calmer and more myself I guess is the only word for it. 

I should be sleeping right now, but I just can't shut my mind off.

I will always treasure the memories I have going to Wisconsin and seeing my family. I want to keep the memory of Grandpa's voice in my head, the sight of him sitting at the table, always in the same spot at insanely early hours in the mornings with a cup of coffee in front of him. The smell of the breezeway, learning how to use a lathe.  Walking through the greenhouse with my sister and two cousins. Making up stories as we went, magic fairy tails. 

But mostly I want to remember that now M and Grandpa are both no longer in pain. That they are in a better place. And I hope one day to see them again, in a place of no more tears and no more sadness. 

For now, there are tears, and sadness, and joy at a long life and a man that will not be forgotten. 

Rage post

I am so frustrated and angry I am shaking, so therefore since I cannot yell and scream or take this anger out on the people I view as responsible for this stupidity (technology) I will rage on the internet - as all mature and responsible people do.

I will be working at home through my computer for a telephone company, and tomorrow is our first day of 'nesting' where we start taking live calls. So today during class we tested our phone lines and live systems to make sure we're all set up and ready to go. I got into the live systems with no problem, they're almost identical to the training systems. (which is probably the point) But when we tested the phone lines, I was able to log in, and ring my phone, but when I picked up with my handy dandy headset, I heard a fairly steady tone in my ear (very loudly I might add)
So when I stayed after class tonight to try to figure out what was going on with my phone, we found out that it wasn't working because my phone line is digital, not analog. Well, that just pissed me off, because when I called cox the first time to get my phone service
Well, very very long story short (I was on the phone off and on for an hour trying to get this figured out) I have to call back in the morning because customer retention is not available, nor is customer service, only tech.

So, I will be calling back bright and early before Husband leaves for work and either they will give me an analog phone, or I will be taking my service elsewhere and I will be getting a refund for my phone line, or else Husband is going to get on the phone to get me a refund. I was told I was getting an analog phone line with no bells and whistles, that is not what I got, so therefore I am not going to pay for it.
I am looking forward to yelling at someone tomorrow morning.

But before I call cox I will be calling at&t to see if they have an analog phone line, just so I have a back up and can yell tat to cox before I get my phone line removed.


I went on facebook to rage about the evils of customer service and curse them for not being up late like I am, when i ran across this video.

and it made me feel so much better. Now I'm going to make a snack, kill some things online, take a shower and go to bed, if my brain lets me sleep. 

and I'm off!

zoo day!

Today admission to the zoo was only $1, and it was awesome.

We went around to most of the exhibits. Husband especially wanted to see the bears (mostly because he wanted a picture of him and Loki on the statue)

And of course we had to visit the jungle, Ber and Loki were hiding behind the waterfall. It was quite nifty today, there was fog everywhere near the water. Ended up being quite spooky at times. 

Husband was right at home in the 'nests' of the apes. 

Not pictured here is our friend Irish, she came down this weekend so we though we'd show her a good time :) 

In other news, not much has been going on. I start nesting later this week (taking live calls) which has me quite nervous, but I feel rather confident because I got a 95% on my last test, which gave me an 87.5% overall. I'm doing pretty good. 

And now, I'm going to watch Hulu and knit until bedtime. 

That little voice

worthless

pathetic

insecure

heifer

I can hear the words echoing from the back of my mind. Twinging on my thoughts, infecting, poisoning every compliment that has ever passed my ears.

forgotten

ignored

Her taunts grow stronger the longer I try to block her out. Every happy thought I have She counters with another well placed insult.


friendless

unworthy


The words start to taint my memories, making even the happiest moments dull, lifeless, as though my color world had gone back to black and white.

alone


lonely


Tears fall from my eyes as the taunting overwhelms me. I have no strength to resist Her any longer. The room grows darker as She whispers in my memories, hissing louder as I lay curled in the fetal position on the black sheets.

alone

always alone

Her voices whispers sweetly in my ear, a twisted parody of my own, full of bitterness and contempt.
and self-loathing.

no

ignored

no

forgotten

no

unloved

NO

Tears dampen my cheeks as I force strength into my mind. Her words grow quieter, weaker as I open my eyes.

 I am loved, I am important, I have friends, I am not alone.

She backs away, my face mirrored on Hers, begins to show uncertainty. I step forward as She retreats. Memories begin to gain color, a child's laugh, cheerful chatter of friends, hugs, physical affection. She begins to pale in my mind, as each joyful memory blazes around me. A voice strong, certain, my voice says "You have no power here."

and She is no more.

AWAKE!!!

I am all fired up from class, I did good, understood stuff today, and just feel like I'm on fire! (not literally)

Loki's asleep (finally, poor thing is trying to grow her second tooth)
Husband is tucked in bed sleeping, and all his clothes/work stuffs is set out for him to get up really really early.
Homework done
information read up on

And now, to work on my closet organization/ updating Ravelry stash to help me keep track of everything and stay organized.